Sunday, September 9, 2012

A Few Cranky Words About Summer or Why Summer Sucks

I never understood why anyone would like anything about the season of summer. There are just not enough things to like about it to even want the season to occur, unless you happen to live in northern Russia and haven’t seen a color other than white in years. So while everyone is praying every night for an end to the wintery hell they are experiencing, I am hoping it will never end.
So What do I Hate About It?
There are a lot of reasons to hate summer, but I’ll start with one of the most prominent. Flowers. Yes. Flowers. You may be saying, “But who in the hell could hate anything about flowers? They just sit there and look beautiful. Leave the flowers out of your sick argument.” But, to those who say all of that -- I say nay. Flowers are Hell-spawn risen up to ruin the lives of those with allergies. All throughout summer many people have to deal with a few after effects of flowers. If you aren’t spending hundreds of dollars on allergy medicine that works just about as good as putting a paper bag over your face and wishing the pollen away from you, you are suffering from leakage from all orifices in your head. Your face gets red, your eyes constantly water and itch, your nose runs, you wish you were not living in Nebraska, or you wish you were dead (Nebraska will make you wish that last thing a lot). If we could have a summer without flowers, I think it would be a summer worth being happy about – or would it?
Nope, it still probably wouldn’t. But you ask, “Damnit man, you already took away the flowers. There can’t be that many bad things about summer. Hell, I didn’t even think the flowers were that bad!” Well you’d be wrong again. This is due to the sun. The sun tries to kill each and every one of us every summer. That’s not to say it doesn’t attempt to do this in the winter, but its attempts are more successful in the summer. The sun slowly lures us outside with its inviting temperatures after a long cold winter and then, all of a sudden, the sun tries to take us out with sunburns and skin cancer. What about sunscreen, you ask? Is the sunscreen really worth all the goofy looking white spots and the funny smell? Well, yeah, probably; but for me, it’s just too much work to care. Also the sun tries to trick us. In the Midwest, the spring starts out fairly nice 50’s and 60’s and then the heat hits all at once. It will be 100 degrees outside, and I can only get away with being naked outside for a few hours, so its back inside until the temperature lets me wear clothes and not have them weigh an extra three pounds due to sweat.
Finally the last thing to hate about summer is – the bugs. Sure bugs may do some nifty things like make honey and make a great red food dye (they’re in your Skittles!) but I think we could get along just fine without them. When the winter comes and kills all of the mosquitos and flies, does anyone care? Does anyone panic that without them something terrible will happen? No, they don’t and that’s why I believe summer is one of the worst seasons of them all. All of the parasitic and useless bugs decide to come out and be bastards and annoy us all. Do mosquitos really do anything of use? Do the flies really do anything nifty for us? And like the sun, to combat them we have to put smelly and goofy things on our skin. It’s just not appealing to me.

So What?

So you say to me “Alright, those are some legitimate reasons, but can you really hate summer that much? It’s still pretty awesome to check out girls in bikinis, right?” And I’d have to agree with you, bikinis are pretty awesome. But, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with looking at a girl in a big furry coat either. And so that’s why I have to say if I had to pick any season out of the year to frolic about in, it would be any season but summer. Summer never has, and never will, have a chance for winning a place in my heart.

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