Saturday, September 8, 2012

Fish and Terrorism

Fish Are Not Terrorist....Seriously!

Fish. They swim. They live underwater. What really classifies them as fish? I have done the research to find that nobody has really done the research on this topic, I think. So in lieu of finding anything useful, I have made up my own guide to telling if something is a fish or not.
This all happened when a couple of my friends were talking about pets in our dorm rooms. I used to have a crab in my fish tank. I always just assumed that all of the fish in my fish tank were actually fish. My friend decided to inform me that crabs are not fish. I told him they were because they lived underwater. I now believe that I have made a giant breakthrough in the fish classification system. Any scholars that wish to use my ideas give me total credit please. This is about to get pretty god damned scientific so non-scholars, please look away.

Everything that lives primarily underwater, I now believe to be a fish. Dolphins are fish, whales are fish, jellyfish...well it has fish in the name. Crabs, coral, sponges, all of them, fish. I believe if we used the classification system of fish and non-fish I might have passed that biology class with an 'A' (but probably not). If we classified everything as one or the other we could more easily identify terrorists, which is a growing problem in the U.S., apparently. It has been a huge debate whether or not fish are terrorists.

I say, "Can they hold a gun?"

The answer is obviously no. (Except for that one instance several years ago...RIP my fallen friends who worked at Sea World.) But other than that one time there have been no reports of fish firing guns or being terroristic in general. Fish are pretty happy guys, they have no need to terrorize. So that means only non-fish are capable of being terrorists. According to a statistic (that I totally didn’t just make up) fish outnumber non-fish at least, like, six to one. Therefore we can say that almost all of the animals in the world are not terrorists. We just now have to watch out for any type of bears (Especially those supporting communism), humans with guns, and finally anybody sporting any tattoos (especially ones they can’t translate, those guys look pretty dangerous).

So, thank you fish. Thank you for making the discernment of terrorists and non-terrorists much easier. We owe you big time.

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